Low Self Esteem: How Do I Learn To Love Myself?"If you have no confidence in self, you are twice defeated in the race of life. With confidence, you have won even before you have started."- Marcus Tullius Cicero What is healthy self esteem? It is the ability to believe in yourself and to trust that you will do the right thing. It is being able to stand up to the opinions of others and to go your own way when necessary. It is being free of the desperate need for someone's approval. Sounds good, right? So how do you make it happen? First, let's talk about why you don't have good self esteem and confidence. What happened? See, everyone is born with the ability to believe in themselves. The problem is, that as we grow, we run into situations where our own self knowledge is contradicted. Let me give you an example. I know I want chocolate pie for breakfast. I really used to eat chocolate pie for breakfast.(Lasagna, too.) My Mom knows chocolate pie is not a good way to start the day. After I eat all that sugar I will experience an energy crash. That will make me fall asleep in class. This does not facilitate my success as a student. So Mom says to me, "You don't really want pie. Let me get you some oatmeal instead." Now, I know I don't want oatmeal. But Mom just told me I do. This is confusing to me. Mom, as an adult knows better than I do, doesn't she? She must be right. But I don't like oatmeal. Do I? I don't know any more. 
The same thing happens at more serious level to those who are abused physically or sexually. They abused child knows that they should not be hit or molested. But the abuser says and acts as if the abuse is normal and OK. This person is typically older than victim. We have to respect our elders and listen to them.See how this works? And that is only one way your self confidence gets shaken. If you grew up in a critical environment you would start to wonder if you are good enough. If someone frequently tells you that you do everything wrong, you will feel inadequate. Furthermore, if you are verbally, physically or sexually abused you feel as if you deserve to be mistreated because there is something wrong with you. All of these factors influence your self confidence and self esteem.
How Do I Learn To Love Myself?For some people, even the thought of loving themselves seems ludicrous. They can't even conceive of the idea. But this is such an important part of good mental health that I want to give you some tips and techniques on how to do it.Low self exteem comes from believing someone else's opinion about you. You may have learned this opinion when you were young. Some people believe the opinion of their parents who beat them or emotionally abused them. Others were blamed for things they could not remotely be responsible for and came to believe that they were always wrong or at fault. When you are a child you are supposed to believe what your parents tell you. It is a survival mechanism. You have to trust that your parents are smart and right and able to keep you safe. In a healthy family this works out fine. But in an unhealthy one it doesn't. So the solution to low self esteem is simple but not easy. You have to develop a new opinion about yourself. The good news is that you don't have to go on believing those old messages that someone told you. The first thing you must do is to become aware of what you say to yourself. Pay attention to your thoughts. When you notice they are negative and critical, write them down. Then I want you to really look at what you wrote and ask yourself some questions. 1. Who told you this critical statement? 2. Do they normally treat you well? 3. Are they trustworthy? 4. Does it help you to believe this criticism? If they answers to 2,3 and 4 are no, then you need to question the validity of the criticism. Practice saying something kind to yourself instead. If you can't think of anything nice to say about yourself, think about a person who you know likes you. What would they say to you in this situation? Write that down as well. Now even if you don't believe it, I want you to say it to yourself over and over. You need to reprogram your mind. When you catch youself being negative and self critical, tell yourself to stop and start repeating the nice phrase that someone who likes you would say.
That leads me to one last thing. Don't take things too personally. Other people do what they do and generally it has nothing to do with you! Read that sentence again. It has nothing to do with you! People with low self esteem blame themselves for too many things. You are not responsible for everything. Pay attention to when you feel guilty for something and make sure it is really something you are responsible for. If it isn't, let it go and let other people take care of their own problems. It has nothing to do with you! Return from Low Self Esteem to Signs of Depression |
